Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Repost: Wanted General Employee

This is a repost from a blog entry I wrote earlier in the year. Happy Holidays all!

WorkWorld is 200-year old unchanging industrial company dedicated to producing standardized widgets and superior scores on high-stakes reviews, regardless of market demand. The company is proud to offer a rigorous, rigid environment that promotes well-rounded employees who are responsible for work in all departments, which are structured as unconnected silos. Due to heavy turnover, WorkWorld is constantly looking for General Employees.

Requirements include:

• Willingness to perform seemingly meaningless tasks without question
• Propensity to work with isolated, fact-based data that is driven by the review process
• Superior rote memorization
• Commitment to performing only those duties outlined in the standardized review, and not more
• Willingness to labor alone (collaboration is cheating) and to show your work (use of calculators is cheating).
• Maniacal focus on the clock. You must be at work from exactly 7:25 AM to exactly 3:30 PM with a 15 minute lunch break
• A low attention threshold with the ability to switch focus to a different department every 50 minutes when a bell is rung.
• Willingness to take work home nightly, including weekends and vacations (two to four hours daily)
• Exceptional bladder control – bathroom passes are limited

Responsibilities Include:
• 50-minute workloads in the following departments: Accounting, Sales, Marketing, Manufacturing, Distribution, Customer Service and Software/Hardware Design (note: the Customer Service and Software/Hardware Design Departments are inoperative, though attendance and production in these departments is mandatory nonetheless)
• You will be assigned to a different micro-manager in each department and expected to conform to his or her leadership style
• No talking
• Raise your hand if you have something to say

Equal Employment Opportunity
WorkWorld is committed to employing a diverse, multicultural body of employees in an atmosphere that values compliance, respect for authority, the conventional, and quiet. All employment decisions are made without regard to emotional intelligence, competency, critical thinking, creativity, innovation, or even interest in the job.

To apply, fill out this scantron sheet with a number two pencil, filling all of the bubbles in completely.


  1. I think I know that position... it sounds like the one I'm just leaving behind in 2009! Excellent, Tracy. I wish I could send this post to all my colleagues that are staying in the corporation I'm leaving. But that would be too sad because most of them need that job to pay their bills. I myself had to live or try to live with that for eight years of my life, and I got sick many times, almost died, but couldn't quit until this December. I'm very glad to read this post and feel that I'm not inside of that cruel system anymore...but I feel sad for those that still need to survive from that...

    The worst of all is watching our creativity, our dreams and our freedom dying every day, slowly, as dies the hope of a meaningful work.

  2. Good for you, Rita! I wish you much more health and happiness in 2010 as you enjoy your freedom and creativity!

  3. I guess Rita said it ... the jobs that schools prepare students for are still out there wreaking their dehumanizing havoc. The schools are doing their job!

    Forgive me if I already told you about this cartoon I saw on a blog this past year: the teacher says to the student "No, there is no other reason, you just need to know this for the test" and the student turns to his neighbor at the next desk and says "whew, that's a relief, i thought I was missing the greater meaning!"

    Rita - i hope you find what you're looking for! Tracy - happy holidays, of whatever sort you celebrate!

  4. Mary-Helen, that is SADLY funny! Wishing you greater meaning and merry everything to you as well!

  5. I thought it was funny :) But then again I'm one of those teachers! Just kidding, but it's SO true that students just have to conform to each teaching style. It is good practice for real life, no? I'll be going back to school myself in a few weeks to earn my MA. I better brush up on all that useless knowledge ;)

  6. Liza, I doubt you are one of those teachers - you clearly love what you do. Teaching Spanish gives you more latitude to make it fun, interesting, and meaningful for your students. Best of luck on your MA!

  7. Liza, I hope I had the right Liza. I assume you are the Spanish teacher, but sorry if I had that wrong. Either one, someone who reads about education and is getting her MA in it is not likely to be the kind of teacher that espouses this kind of education! Best wishes to you.

  8. very funny.... but sadly true... Sandy

  9. Yes, you did get it right! I consider myself very fortunate to have great freedom to teach as I please as a Spanish teacher at the middle school level.

    It's been 10 years since I got my last degree so I am a little nervous about starting back in 2 weeks - but excited too. Thank you for your well wishes.