Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Wanted: General Employee

WorkWorld is 200-year old unchanging industrial company dedicated to producing standardized widgets and superior scores on high-stakes reviews, regardless of market demand. The company is proud to offer a rigorous, rigid environment that promotes well-rounded employees who are responsible for work in all departments, which are structured as unconnected silos. Due to heavy turnover, WorkWorld is constantly looking for General Employees.

Requirements include:

• Willingness to perform seemingly meaningless tasks without question
• Propensity to work with isolated, fact-based data that is driven by the review process
• Superior rote memorization
• Commitment to performing only those duties outlined in the standardized review, and not more
• Willingness to labor alone (collaboration is cheating) and to show your work (use of calculators is cheating).
• Maniacal focus on the clock. You must be at work from exactly 7:25 AM to exactly 3:30 PM with a 15 minute lunch break
• A low attention threshold with the ability to switch focus to a different department every 50 minutes when a bell is rung.
• Willingness to take work home nightly, including weekends and vacations (two to four hours daily)
• Exceptional bladder control – bathroom passes are limited

Responsibilities Include:
• 50-minute workloads in the following departments: Accounting, Sales, Marketing, Manufacturing, Distribution, Customer Service and Software/Hardware Design (note: the Customer Service and Software/Hardware Design Departments are inoperative, though attendance and production in these departments is mandatory nonetheless)
• You will be assigned to a different micro-manager in each department and expected to conform to his or her leadership style
• No talking
• Raise your hand if you have something to say

Equal Employment Opportunity
WorkWorld is committed to employing a diverse, multicultural body of employees in an atmosphere that values compliance, respect for authority, the conventional, and quiet. All employment decisions are made without regard to emotional intelligence, competency, critical thinking, creativity, innovation, or even interest in the job.

To apply, fill out this scantron sheet with a number two pencil, filling all of the bubbles in completely.

1 comment:

  1. I love this! Where did you find it? Did you write it? Do you mind if I post it on my blog?

    -Kerry Dickinson